e(Dis)Harmony.com

My solitary and lonely state has led me to look into an on-line dating service called eHarmony.com. My experience with this has lasted all of about 72 hours and will probably end soon. I cannot say that it has altogether cured my lonely feelings, but it has certainly given me some much needed laughs.




The first thing that seems so absurd about the experience is the type of question one is required to answer when registering with the service. For example, one question asks from which of four people, whose photographic portraits are shown, you would be willing to buy a car. None of them looked like a serial killer to me, so I gave them all the benefit of the doubt. I bought cars from all of them and am awaiting delivery as we speak. Sadly, I won't be able to afford gas for any of them.



My answers to the total of 24 questions led to me being labelled a "negotiator" personality. I was thrilled. Suddenly I felt empowered to talk a robber out of a bank without losing more than half the hostages. Of course, there was a little down side. It said that I might be kind of gullible, maybe even so much as to seek dating help from an on-line service. Ah, well...



One is asked to write a paragraph about oneself. The girls are all good at it, as if they had taken Senior English from Keats. "Look for me speeding down the beach on a bike with the wind fluffing my hair and the sand caking in my ears." Or something like that. Being incorrigibly honest, I couldn't bring myself to write anything. I mean, what could I say? "Sure, I'm bald and overweight, but I make up for it by being old and unemployed!"



One part of signing in is easy. Simple, factual questions are asked. Simple, factual answers are required. But a lot of the ladies seem to have forgotten that there were photographs accompanying the applications. A woman who lists her body type as having "a few extra pounds" leaps from her portrait looking like a refrigerator with arms. Big arms!



I had asked for a Mormon lady who definitely did not smoke or drink. A surprising number answered these questions with "I'll tell you later." When? It's not like we're ever going to meet in this life if you can't answer a straightforward question with a straightforward answer.



Then there were the ladies who could not get the answers lined up with the right columns: "Body type: No way." "Smoker? 5'4'' " "Faith: Casual drinker." Often the faith question would be answered with the words "spiritual but not religious." Huh?



And often those who wrote in "Christian/LDS" were dressed in an entirely non-LDS manner in virtually all their photos. Others would make the same claim but still say "Casual drinker" or answer the smoking question with "I'll tell you later."



Two ladies - a Catholic and a Protestant - came across as being particularly appealing and sincere. I almost emailed them. There were two reasons why I didn't. One is that it costs $19.99 to join this racket and I wouldn't feel right about spending that kind of money on anything but recompensing my loved ones these days. The other reason I couldn't consider these nice ladies is their religions. I've been married three times, all three of them in the temple. One of those marriages was perfect. That comes close to beating the national average, doesn't it?